When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
You Might Also Like
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
How do you like your Corgi?
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
road rage
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”