(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
😜
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10