It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time