My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
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This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?