Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
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Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Good Morning.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
thank god
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”