Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.