I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
crazy
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
They’re called werewolves.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.