“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
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I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Goodnight 🐶
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Just a bush.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am