Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
You Might Also Like
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Simple
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand