Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Never ghost your hitman.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate