You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
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[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.