Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
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You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?