My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.