HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]