Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
🤭😂
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.