hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.