Selfie
You Might Also Like
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
they should invent a rest for the wicked
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.