Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
black phone good
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.