I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Time heals everything 🙂
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.