RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
reviewed some movies recently
me logging onto twitter
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit