I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Saturday
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow