Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
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[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Tremendous stuff
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.