[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
real
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for