I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.