🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
You Might Also Like
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
At least my masseuse has my back.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
🙁
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
nobody’s gonna understand
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]