I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
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Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap