I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
got so much cardio in today
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”