*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I feel this so hard
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO