My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.