Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!