My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
dutch is not a serious language
road rage
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring