If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
much to think about
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Dance like you’re not the father
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.