Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
is this store having a stroke wtf
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
#oldknees
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…