If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
#ProTip
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.