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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.