dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
also my go-to takeaway order
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Ah..makes sense now
wtf is a larm clock?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.