Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
You Might Also Like
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg