none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
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Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Perfection.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Just a reminder, folks:
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
found this cool rock hiking today
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
mathematically impossible
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come