My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
…u ok Nintendo?
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date