why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
You Might Also Like
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.