HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.