[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
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do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids