I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
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I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
A fake ID that makes you younger
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*