My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
You Might Also Like
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.