Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”