“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I didn’t realize that was an option
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.