*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Confused owl: What?!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap