My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
You Might Also Like
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.