I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
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My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.