If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
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Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*